Thus far, the few weeks following syllabus week have been moderately productive and only slightly shameful. I’ve managed to attend all of my classes and have only failed one online quiz (why does it automatically submit when you refresh the page for a better internet connection?), which is nonetheless progress from the first days back. Syllabus week was, to put it delicately, a total shitshow. My life was like an episode of Jersey shore; I would wake and rally every day promptly at three o’clock, conveniently having slept through all of my classes. At one point I tried to attend a lecture, just to humor myself, but I had to leave shortly after taking a seat to upchuck in the first floor bathroom of Arts and Sciences.
But you know what? I’m proud of myself. I managed to successfully make it through the infamous first week back with nothing but one unexplained scratch on my leg and a slightly dwindled bank account balance. Granted, I had to mend a few friendships due to my Oprah Winfry-esque generosity when it comes to brutally honest drunk texting (YOU GET A TEXT! YOU GET A TEXT! YOU ALL GET A TEXT!). I’m actually surprised that the NSA didn’t show up at my front door to forcefully admit me to rehab after monitoring my phone records, which included roughly 20-30 drunk Snapchats. But I still consider that week a success for all of Mizzou. I’d like to formally apologize to the trees of our beautiful campus that had to work overtime, producing extra oxygen that allowed you to dry heave the morning after your shameful Big 12 romp.
Let’s be honest, the weeks following syllabus week are the worst. You have to buckle down and actually take your schedule seriously. This is the time when you have to pick up the pieces of your shattered ego and shell of a life, and actually get shit done. As a barely functioning college student with no prior accredited claims to speak of, I will now offer you some advice as you continue to recover from syllabus week:
1. Resist the temptation to throw up your papers dramatically with a “Fuck school, I’m just going to marry someone rich.” Because chances are nobody with money will actually want you.
3. Always remember that if you’re basking in a moment of free time, you’re probably just forgetting about something important that you have to do. There is no such thing as leisure time.
4. Hit the rec to sweat out any toxins still lingering in your bloodstream. Be sure to wait a while if you’ve been drinking. Bicardio is never a good idea, and the smell of vomit on expensive gym equipment will be sure to linger long after cleanup.
5. If you pass someone whom with you previously had a particularly bad drunk encounter with while on the way to class, pretend not to see them. You’ll save yourself a miserably awkward conversation that neither of you want to have.