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Over the past weeks I’ve been keeping a note of the hilarious shit said by my drunk ass friends, who buy storebrand groceries in order to afford top-shef booze. I swear, these peoples’ livers have workweeks that begin at promptly at 9PM on Thursday. But I can’t hate on these people. I mean, they’re the ones who are always there for me when I need to get wasted and talk shit on people who bother me. You have to have a high level of respect for a group who’s sole form of exercise is bar crawls, and who discusses drinking problems over pitchers of beer.

I have to admit, I’m very happy to finally be writing this. Taking note of every funny thing that my idiot friends say is almost as hard as deciphering the drunk typos in my designated iPhone note the next morning. I should mention that there are about ten quotes that couldn’t make it in here, because I have no idea what I meant when I jotted down “JI dfobt” wasnr yo seert ny fuckib ecc.” Nevertheless, the following are 25 actual things that my drunk friends have said in the past month or so:

1. “Then I went skinny dipping with my guy friends and it was really cold so my tits looked awesome.”

2. “I’m horny and pissed. This must be how Rosie O’Donnell feels all the time.”

3. “I’m not going to just sit here and let this cheese not be in my mouth.”

4. “Fine, but if I can’t handle this shot you assholes are carrying me home.”

5. “Is a Vodka Cranberry a different drink from a Cranberry Vodka?”

Image6. “How do you feel about the fact that you dated a lesbian?” “I’m a little bit upset about it.”

7. “Perfect boys only exist in books. But no one even reads books anymore, so perfect boys actually just don’t exist.”

8. “Dude, I’m so out of it, I’m never doing cocaine again.”

9. “She’s not cute at all. She actually has a really crusty face.”

10. “I felt way too drunk so I brought a bagel to the frat with me.”

11. “I’m going to make him feel bad so he’ll agree to watch Love Actually with me.”

12. “These tights are so small that they barely even cover my hoohah.”

Image13. “Wait, so was his boner in your ass?”

14. “It shouldn’t be illegal to stab someone if they’re being a fucking idiot.”

15. “I have a boyfriend, so yeah, I haven’t shaved in two months.”

16. “I don’t know man, I don’t think they would show a baby zombie on TV. It’s indecent.”

17. “I was so drunk that I called him and told him I was a cat.”

18. “The only kid I haven’t accepted on Facebook was this asshole who threatened to murder our rush chair.”

19. “I do not find your presence necessary.”

Image20. “People always talk about their wedding nights but, like, I probably won’t even remember mine.”

21. “My left areola is way bigger than my right areola.”

22. “I’m gonna whisper drunk nothings in your ear.”

23. “That kid’s a fucking dipshit. Unless you like him, in which case he’s chill.”

24. “I’m not puttin’ out tonight.”

25. “He drank too much but he’ll be okay, I mean look at the kid he’s wearing a fucking peacoat.”

Image*BONUS* Nine things my drunk guy friends have peed on this break:

1. A refrigerator

2. An outdoor speaker system

3. A cop car

4. An ornamental bird bath

5. A Christmas Tree

6. The KU flag

7. A Kindle

8. My neighbor’s cat

9. Into a laundry machine while screaming “DO MY LAUNDRY BITCH.”