It’s that time of year again; finals are quickly approaching and everyone is going apeshit. I get it, it’s a stressful time. You basically have seven days to save your entire semester and pull your grades out of the toilet. Maybe I’m just a naturally chill person, but I really think everyone needs to calm the fuck down. Let’s face it, finals week is like an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway- everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Okay, maybe they matter a little bit. But you’ve already learned everything you’re about to be tested on, so I think it’s time to pop a Xanax and chill out. If you’re still stressing after a little self medicating, the following tips could help save your sanity.

It’s important to stay hydrated. Water is okay, but if you’re serious about surviving the week, I’d suggest something a little stronger. In case you haven’t heard, a Starbucks Trenta cup can hold up to 31 ounces of fluid. The following is a list of drinks that could fit into a Trenta cup: an entire bottle of wine, two and a half beers, a fifth of whiskey, or just over 1.3 Four Lokos. This information is also useful when dealing with the aftermath of a stressful exam. You many not end up a straight A student, but you can always end up hammered.

Due Tomorrow = Do Tomorrow
I’ll never understand a teacher’s thought process in assigning ridiculous amounts of homework the week before finals. “Oh, You have finals coming up? I’m just going to go ahead and give you a test, a presentation, a quiz, and a paper the week before.” Fuck that. I say, take a break. Allow yourself 6 hours of aimless web surfing tonight, and half ass that shit tomorrow morning before class. At the end of the day, we all know we will have successfully plagiarized Wikipedia enough times to earn a degree.

Devise a BS-Proof Study Plan
It’s probably a good idea to have a good study plan other than crying in the shower and letting the hot water pour over you as you wallow in self-loathing. I’d suggest studying in the library, because there are probably enough studious Asians there to motivate you to actually get shit done. Don’t forget that no matter how many signs you see deeming specific rooms in the library as “quiet areas”, crying is always permitted.

Buddy Up
It’s a good idea to find a reliable study buddy when trying to cram for a tough exam. But you have to be sure to pick your friends carefully. Last year I went to study for a Political Science exam with a frat guy, but when I showed up the douche didn’t even have the damn textbook. Why? He had sold it a few months earlier because he was desperate for money to buy more weed. It’s also important to remember that if a guy asks “Do you want to come over and study?”, what he actually means is, “Do you want to come over, hook up, and then complain about how you’re going to fail all your finals?”. But fuck it, go anyway. You deserve a break.

Take a Nap
It’s also imperative to be well rested. You’re probably surrounded by people who are claiming that they haven’t slept in days… they’re lying. Sure, they’re probably staying up all night, but they’re definitely taking 10-hour midday naps. Also, don’t be that bitch who whines about not getting any sleep when you’re drinking three cups of coffee and eight Redbulls a day. That’s your own damn fault and no one feels bad for you. Keep it in mind that an all nighter doesn’t count for shit if you weren’t actually studying.

The only lesson I really end up learning from finals is the importance of marrying rich. So so raise your 31 oz. Jack and Coke, and here’s to making our college memories last as long as our student loan payments. Good luck to everyone, and may your grades be a gateway to finding shameful entry-level employment after you graduate.

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