Good Lord, it is so cold today. There were probably ten people in my french class. Pretty sure half of Mizzou woke up today and was just like NOPE.

As I cower in my bed (art class just wasn’t in the cards today), I can’t help but feel chills up and down my spine. And it’s not because of the fucking tundra outside of my window. It is because I just saw a meme referencing my least favorite, fast-approaching day of the year: Black Friday.

Wikepedia defines Black Friday as “the day after Thanksgiving, noted as the first day of traditional Christmas shopping, during which crowds of consumers are drawn to special offers by retailers”. I, however, define Black Friday as nothing less than the fiery pits of hell. I loathe everything that the day after Thanksgiving stands for. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of a day dedicated to the expectancy of pandemonium as nothing more than the sole reason that aliens won’t talk to us.

The day after Thanksgiving should be dedicated to three things: eating left overs, being hungover, and emerging from your food coma. The idea that you should get out of bed and be active is completely corrupt, and it has to be stopped.

Black Friday is terrifying. I’m not lying when I say that it is my biggest fear. Crowds of people fighting to buy shit they don’t need the day after they claim to be thankful for what they have? I hate every aspect of that idea. Especially the part with the excessive amount of people. I’d honestly rather hook up with Osama Bin Laden post-mortem.

But when you think about it, it totally makes sense. Think about the first Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims were like “Hey, Native Americans, you’re tight as fuck, lets eat some noms and be friends”. Then right after that they’re like, “Just kidding, we’re going to alienate your entire race, steal your land, and mislabel you as Indians for all of history”. Fastforward to 2013. Now on Thanksgiving, we gather with our families and drink enough shitty beer to appreciate each other. Then we instagram pictures of our food and say shit like, omg sOoooOoOoO thankful for my family!! Then BOOM. It’s Black Friday, and you’re shoving people out of the way and completely disregarding the safety of others. That’s not even an exaggeration. Remember last year when that video of the mob rush in Walmart went viral? Like, are you serious? This shit only happens in other countries where there is extreme poverty… and they’re fighting over food, not barbies and hot wheels.

ImageBut wait, I’ve got a number you: 4,000. That’s the number of Walmart stores that will have extra security measures in place on Black Friday (that’s right, I did my fucking research, assholes). Just let that number sink in for a sec. Josh Phair, Walmart’s public affairs and government relations director released a statement explaining the extra security saying, “Nobody wants to go into an event when they are risking injury for a video game”. Let’s be real, Josh; no one wants to go to Walmart in the first place.

I hear girls talking about how excited they are for Black Friday and I literally cannot believe my ears. What are you looking forward to again? Spending good money on shit you don’t need on a day where thousands rush to riot, just to get 5% off on a fucking sweater? Consumerism and greed at it’s finest. A friend of mine has already asked if I will go shopping with her. She and I won’t be speaking til after Christmas, at the very least.

I could make this post extremely political, but that wouldn’t solve anything. And honestly, I’m pretty aware that the only reason you’re here is to listen to me cuss a lot and make fun of people. That or extreme boredom. I know it’s hard to take this shit seriously coming from me, since I hate people. But you cannot deny there are some legitimate reasons why Black Friday sucks.

And people actually camp out the night before for the damn thing. I will never understand. You have a house, fucking use it. I’m not a materialistic person to begin with, but do you really need to set up tent in the freezing cold for a set of chopping knives just because they’re $12? Am I supposed to give a fuck that kitchen ware at JC Penny is 30% off? Because I don’t.

The idea that you have to partake in Black Friday is a myth. Seriously guys, stay home. I know you’re going to be sad missing out on all the chaos of greedy hoosiers grabbing at anything with a brightly colored markdown sticker on it, but I have formulated the perfect solution: Stay home, spend all the money you would’ve spent on useless crap on beer instead, and invite me over. Let’s get weird.