I’m so happy this weekend is coming to a close. Halloween on top of a home game has just really beat the shit out of my liver. I’ve showered twice and I still somehow smell like the basement of a frat house. There’s so much hairspray still in my hair that I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a hole in the ozone right above my head wherever I go tomorrow.
So worth it, though. The only thing better than hanging out with drunk people in costume, is hanging out with drunk Mizzou football fans in costume… especially on the night of a win. I’m going to forgive the fact that I saw about eight thousand girls dressed as cats, based on the male shitshows I witnessed at the bar scene these past few nights.
I’m not surprised. At this point, it’s just rule of thumb; Every girl knows what guys to look out for when out drinking. To be specific, there are about five types of drunk guys that will hit on you at bars. I almost feel bad generalizing the entire male population into the following categories. But hey, stereotypes exist for a reason.
1. The Frat Star. First, and most common, the painfully drunk, self-proclaimed frat star. This is the guy who looks like J Crew threw up on him. He’s always double fisting something generic like a Bud Light, and you can be sure there’s a cigarette tucked behind his ear. The one refreshing thing about a drunk frat guy is that he’s not going to come at you with some one-liner like, “Have we met before… because you look like my next girlfriend”. No, this guy thinks he’s way too hot to need a pickup line. He’ll abandon his frat pack and strut on up to you, saying something straightforward like, “Hey, you drunk?”.
And he doesn’t need an invitation to talk to you, either. Just the fact that you have tits and you’re in the same vicinity as him obviously means you want his dick. Also, he’ll keep his shit together because his shirt costs sixty dollars, and he’s NOT going to fuck that shit up. If this guy approaches you, you can guarantee that he’s first going to ask if you’re Greek, and if you answer that correctly, he’ll buy you a drink.
2. The Double Leg. There’s that guy who is hanging out with a bunch of frat guys, but he’s a little off. You know, the guy who is wearing letters, but his haircut screams double legacy. He’s drinking something hipster-ish like a PBR, and he’s looking slightly uncomfortable. And he’ll have a weird name, too. Like Griffin or Damon. I have to admit, I fucking love these guys. They always prove for interesting conversation, and they always have fucked up stories to tell. They say shit that inevitably leads to awkward silences; I totally eat that shit up. He’s the philosophical drunk guy, too. You know, he’ll finish his tenth Kraftig and be like, “I just feel like getting a job is just pointless, ya know?”.
And you totally agree with everything he says. You leave the bar being like, holy shit, I need to go buy a beanie and take up photography. Another good thing about this guy is that his friends always like you. They’re just really happy that he’s talking to you instead of the weirdos he usually brings home. I always fall for this guy. My friends give me shit for it but I’m just like,
3. Persistence is Key. You will for sure run into that really annoying guy that HAS to talk to you. He’ll be wearing a shirt that says “YOLO” or “SWAGG”. You just know once you make eye contact with him, this fucker is going to be a constant annoyance in your life for the next three hours. And once he has started, he will not stop. He’ll get a drink for you before even approaching you, too. So you have to literally refuse alcohol that has been presented to you, which is just downright painful. But you have to be strong, because he is a persistent guy. If you don’t make it known right away that you are not interested, he’s going to grope the shit out of you all night. This weekend I was out with my friend, and we met the epitome of this character. This dude is like fifteen feet away, staring at us when all of the sudden he just points at us, pauses, points at he and his friends, and then smiles and gives us a thumbs up. Look, I’m not expecting you to send a pigeon with a poem written in blood, but seriously, a fucking point? He then came over and pestered us until Sara just repeatedly told him, “Just no”. I’ve found there are only two ways to shake this guy off: First, tell him you have a boyfriend. Maybe tell him he’s in the ROTC too, just to give him an image. If that doesn’t work, tell him you have herpes.
Sidenote: The rest of Sara and my night:
4. Tarzan. Probably the worst guy you’re going to meet is the guy who is just looking to start shit. He’ll hit on you and be a total gentleman to all your friends. He’s obviously loaded and is buying rounds and being a total baller. Then, right when you’re mentally high fiving yourself for scoring such a great slam, he’ll try to start a fight with the drunk kid at the table next to you. He’ll say something he thinks sounds real tough, like “The FUCK you say to me?”. And we’re all still sitting there like wow, Tarzan, your brute strength and aggression is so appealing! Oh wait, no it’s not, and you’ve officially ruined my night.
5. Life of the Party, But Definitely Puking Later. You have to be sure to meet that guy that is so drunk, he’s buying drinks for the whole bar. This guy has had too many tequila shots, and he’s doing weird shit like sliding down bannisters and requesting the Black Eyed Peas. He’ll buy like ten shots before even knowing who he’s going to give them to. He’s for sure going to talk to you at one point, but only for a minute or two. He’ll probably ask you a weird question to settle an argument he’s having with someone, just to bring you into the conversation. He’ll say something like, “The third Pirates of the Carribean is At World’s End, right?”. And whether or not you have any idea what he’s talking about, he’ll keep talking to you. You’ll see him periodically throughout the rest of the night, but that’s the extent of your time with him. There’s really nothing you can do for this guy, except pray he has a friend who is sober enough to remind him to close his tab at the end of the night. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. He totally came alone.
I really can’t even complain about these guys though, because the list I could make on the kinds of drunk girls at bars would be ten times worse. It’s not even a double standard, we’re just honestly more annoying. Sorry to set feminism back like three hundred years, but someone had to say it.
I may bitch about these guys, but I love them all. And so does every girl, don’t lie. Sure, when guys pester us, on the outside we’re like “Ugh, can you not?”. Maybe flip our hair and roll our eyes. But do not be fooled. On the inside, we’re totally like,