Archives for the month of: November, 2013

I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that Facebook is going down the crapper. This is upsetting to me, but I really believe that we can stop this madness by pinpointing those responsible and telling them to cut the shit. To be exact, I find that there are 9 kinds of douchebags on Facebook today. They are as follows:

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1. The Brag
This is the asshole who cannot feel accomplished in life unless they post every small feat to their wall. You know, the dick who posts pictures of exam scores with captions like “Nailed it!”. Look, we understand that you’re excited to get a 135/140 on your Bio exam, but when it comes down to it, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Do you think it’s going to make me think, ‘Gee, that fella is super intelligent!’? No, it makes me feel like I’m an idiot for getting a C, and you’re a dickwad for rubbing your A in my face. Send that shit to your parents, so they can pretend to be happy for you. I’m just not interested. Plus, most of the time I’m pretty sure its fake. We’ve all seen that dumbass girl post a status informing all of her incredibly indifferent Facebook friends that she got a 4.0 this semester… Okay, sure.

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2. TMI
These people are on the top of my unfriend list. Facebook is a social networking site, not a day planner. Stop posting pictures of next semester’s schedule. Stop telling us that you’re going to the mall with Kelly, then lunch with Grandma, then possibly taking a nap. If I wanted to know what your plans are (which I guarantee I don’t), I would text you. Facebook is not twitter.

3. The Happy Couple
We’ve all seen those couples that constantly make statuses about each other, post cutsie things on each other’s walls, and tag each other in pointless pictures. I think we can all agree these people are high up on the list of Facebook douches. Every time I see this, I fight the strong urge to regurgitate. Their lame attempt at a brag has made the prospect of being single forever an absolute dream. They make it seem as though they are unable to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide when they aren’t with each other… let’s be real, you two don’t actually like each other that much. I have a theory that if you have to broadcast a perfect relationship on a social network, you must not actually have that great of a connection. There was one couple that kept popping up on my news feed recently that wouldn’t stop posting on each other’s walls. And they were saying the dumbest shit. She would write, “i luv u baby”. And he’d respond, “i luv you more xoxoxo”. So forth and so forth. Eventually I commented on one particularly annoying post and asked the two, “DO YOU NOT HAVE CELL PHONES?” Text that shit to each other. No one wants to see it.

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4. She Doesn’t Even Go Here
This is the bitch that posts every emotion she’s ever had. And she’ll be really vague, too, hoping that you’ll inquire about more. She’ll post shit like, “Not a good day….”. Cool, thanks for the update. I was really interested in how you were feeling. I can sleep now that I know how you are. Phew. The worst part about this person is that they have SO MANY FEELINGS. I like to think I’m semi normal, but in a given day I only experience two or three strong emotions. And it’s mostly hunger, which I don’t even think counts as a feeling. So the fact that this bitch is going on about how blessed her wonderful life is one minute, then droning on about her horrible luck the next is just too much for anyone to handle. Stop the feels.

5. The Opinion
This guy has an opinion on every single event, ever. And he will state ever single one, with links, to your newsfeed. Involvement in Syria? Opinion. Gas prices in China? Opinion. Your Mom’s sex life? Major opinion. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t argue with anyone who didn’t agree with him. Look, I get that you’re super involved and I can respect the fact that you actually know what’s going on in the world, but don’t flood my Facebook with your political rants. Also, don’t send a novel to the first guy that insinuates that you could possibly be wrong. Because you probably are wrong. My friend Sara is pretty into current events, but she isn’t a total douche about it. She’ll post important shit on Facebook that people should actually see. And on the off chance that someone disagrees with her, she’s not a total dick to them about it. But the typical Facebooker’s opinion is irrelivent and overlooked, so you assholes need to stop telling me how to feel. I already have an opinion- I don’t care.

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6.  Old People
The absolute worse. I just cannot. I’m not talking about grandparents here, because that shit is just hilarious. I’m talking about middle aged parents, who are using Facebook as a communication. You straight up PAY my cellphone bill, so you therefore HAVE TO know that I have the ability to text. I don’t have this problem often anymore because I’m a loser and my mother is more popular than me online. Also because I yelled at her to cut the shit. But everyone has that Aunt who will comment on a drunk picture of you holding a red solo cup and screaming at the camera. She’ll say something like, “Looks like you’re having fun at college LOL! Uncle Bob and I are thinking of you– See you over break!”. Please just stop. It’s actually just humiliating. The worst is when it’s not even your picture, so the random girl who posted the picture gets a notification from your Aunt Sue and then you just want to die.

Image7. The Philosopher
This guy shares a lot of thought provoking pictures and makes statuses about how small we all are in the grand scheme of things. I love these people in person, but fucking hate them over the internet. They’re the people who act like they smoke a lot of weed, but they’re not actually chill to hang out with. Hippies, only way more hygienic and way less fun. And no matter what you think about what they’re saying, you’re wrong. They’ll reference Buddha even though they went to the same Catholic school as you did. Please stop acting like you’re so enlightened…. you’re on a macbook, so no one’s buying it.

8. The Promoter
The shameless promotions have to stop. I’m sorry, but I don’t care about your cousin’s crappy band or your Mom’s friend’s overpriced boutique. This is Facebook, not eBay. I think deep down these people know how annoying they are, but they just don’t give a shit. The full well realize that while maybe 5% of people actually look into what they’re promoting, the strong majority of their friends are plotting ways to kill them. The worst of these is college students looking to fill a sublease. We all known that fucker who’s trying to transfer and WILL NOT stop posting, looking for someone to take their crappy lease with three random bitchy roommates. Isn’t there a way to network that doesn’t pop up on my newsfeed? Please find it and use it, before I knife you.

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9. No Fucking Clue
These are usually teenage girls. They post links to articles and then voice their opinion on it. Which is all well and good, but they have NO FUCKING CLUE what they’re actually talking about. They probably just think its cute to look informed and intelligent. Recently a girl I’m friends with posted an article from The Onion, a news satire organization, and then proceeded to bash the article and state how offended she was about it. She had no clue that the whole thing was a total joke. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t even correct her because the whole situation was just way too funny. I would’ve been embarrassed for her had she not been a total fucking moron.Take a lap.

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that I’ve been guilty of a few of these from time to time. But I like to think I haven’t been so douchey as to constantly to fall under one of these categories. And if you do, I do not apologize because you are annoying and I probably hate you. Let’s save Facebook, people. Cut the shit.

Good Lord, it is so cold today. There were probably ten people in my french class. Pretty sure half of Mizzou woke up today and was just like NOPE.

As I cower in my bed (art class just wasn’t in the cards today), I can’t help but feel chills up and down my spine. And it’s not because of the fucking tundra outside of my window. It is because I just saw a meme referencing my least favorite, fast-approaching day of the year: Black Friday.

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Wikepedia defines Black Friday as “the day after Thanksgiving, noted as the first day of traditional Christmas shopping, during which crowds of consumers are drawn to special offers by retailers”. I, however, define Black Friday as nothing less than the fiery pits of hell. I loathe everything that the day after Thanksgiving stands for. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of a day dedicated to the expectancy of pandemonium as nothing more than the sole reason that aliens won’t talk to us.

The day after Thanksgiving should be dedicated to three things: eating left overs, being hungover, and emerging from your food coma. The idea that you should get out of bed and be active is completely corrupt, and it has to be stopped.

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Black Friday is terrifying. I’m not lying when I say that it is my biggest fear. Crowds of people fighting to buy shit they don’t need the day after they claim to be thankful for what they have? I hate every aspect of that idea. Especially the part with the excessive amount of people. I’d honestly rather hook up with Osama Bin Laden post-mortem.

But when you think about it, it totally makes sense. Think about the first Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims were like “Hey, Native Americans, you’re tight as fuck, lets eat some noms and be friends”. Then right after that they’re like, “Just kidding, we’re going to alienate your entire race, steal your land, and mislabel you as Indians for all of history”. Fastforward to 2013. Now on Thanksgiving, we gather with our families and drink enough shitty beer to appreciate each other. Then we instagram pictures of our food and say shit like, omg sOoooOoOoO thankful for my family!! Then BOOM. It’s Black Friday, and you’re shoving people out of the way and completely disregarding the safety of others. That’s not even an exaggeration. Remember last year when that video of the mob rush in Walmart went viral? Like, are you serious? This shit only happens in other countries where there is extreme poverty… and they’re fighting over food, not barbies and hot wheels.

ImageBut wait, I’ve got a number you: 4,000. That’s the number of Walmart stores that will have extra security measures in place on Black Friday (that’s right, I did my fucking research, assholes). Just let that number sink in for a sec. Josh Phair, Walmart’s public affairs and government relations director released a statement explaining the extra security saying, “Nobody wants to go into an event when they are risking injury for a video game”. Let’s be real, Josh; no one wants to go to Walmart in the first place.

I hear girls talking about how excited they are for Black Friday and I literally cannot believe my ears. What are you looking forward to again? Spending good money on shit you don’t need on a day where thousands rush to riot, just to get 5% off on a fucking sweater? Consumerism and greed at it’s finest. A friend of mine has already asked if I will go shopping with her. She and I won’t be speaking til after Christmas, at the very least.

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I could make this post extremely political, but that wouldn’t solve anything. And honestly, I’m pretty aware that the only reason you’re here is to listen to me cuss a lot and make fun of people. That or extreme boredom. I know it’s hard to take this shit seriously coming from me, since I hate people. But you cannot deny there are some legitimate reasons why Black Friday sucks.

And people actually camp out the night before for the damn thing. I will never understand. You have a house, fucking use it. I’m not a materialistic person to begin with, but do you really need to set up tent in the freezing cold for a set of chopping knives just because they’re $12? Am I supposed to give a fuck that kitchen ware at JC Penny is 30% off? Because I don’t.

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The idea that you have to partake in Black Friday is a myth. Seriously guys, stay home. I know you’re going to be sad missing out on all the chaos of greedy hoosiers grabbing at anything with a brightly colored markdown sticker on it, but I have formulated the perfect solution: Stay home, spend all the money you would’ve spent on useless crap on beer instead, and invite me over. Let’s get weird.

I’m so happy this weekend is coming to a close. Halloween on top of a home game has just really beat the shit out of my liver. I’ve showered twice and I still somehow smell like the basement of a frat house. There’s so much hairspray still in my hair that I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a hole in the ozone right above my head wherever I go tomorrow.

ImageSo worth it, though. The only thing better than hanging out with drunk people in costume, is hanging out with drunk Mizzou football fans in costume… especially on the night of a win. I’m going to forgive the fact that I saw about eight thousand girls dressed as cats, based on the male shitshows I witnessed at the bar scene these past few nights.

ImageI’m not surprised. At this point, it’s just rule of thumb; Every girl knows what guys to look out for when out drinking. To be specific, there are about five types of drunk guys that will hit on you at bars. I almost feel bad generalizing the entire male population into the following categories. But hey, stereotypes exist for a reason.

1. The Frat Star. First, and most common, the painfully drunk, self-proclaimed frat star. This is the guy who looks like J Crew threw up on him. He’s always double fisting something generic like a Bud Light, and you can be sure there’s a cigarette tucked behind his ear. The one refreshing thing about a drunk frat guy is that he’s not going to come at you with some one-liner like, “Have we met before… because you look like my next girlfriend”. No, this guy thinks he’s way too hot to need a pickup line. He’ll abandon his frat pack and strut on up to you, saying something straightforward like, “Hey, you drunk?”.

ImageAnd he doesn’t need an invitation to talk to you, either. Just the fact that you have tits and you’re in the same vicinity as him obviously means you want his dick. Also, he’ll keep his shit together because his shirt costs sixty dollars, and he’s NOT going to fuck that shit up. If this guy approaches you, you can guarantee that he’s first going to ask if you’re Greek, and if you answer that correctly, he’ll buy you a drink.

2. The Double Leg. There’s that guy who is hanging out with a bunch of frat guys, but he’s a little off. You know, the guy who is wearing letters, but his haircut screams double legacy. He’s drinking something hipster-ish like a PBR, and he’s looking slightly uncomfortable. And he’ll have a weird name, too. Like Griffin or Damon. I have to admit, I fucking love these guys. They always prove for interesting conversation, and they always have fucked up stories to tell. They say shit that inevitably leads to awkward silences; I totally eat that shit up. He’s the philosophical drunk guy, too. You know, he’ll finish his tenth Kraftig and be like, “I just feel like getting a job is just pointless, ya know?”.

ImageAnd you totally agree with everything he says. You leave the bar being like, holy shit, I need to go buy a beanie and take up photography. Another good thing about this guy is that his friends always like you. They’re just really happy that he’s talking to you instead of the weirdos he usually brings home. I always fall for this guy. My friends give me shit for it but I’m just like,

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3. Persistence is Key. You will for sure run into that really annoying guy that HAS to talk to you. He’ll be wearing a shirt that says “YOLO” or “SWAGG”. You just know once you make eye contact with him, this fucker is going to be a constant annoyance in your life for the next three hours. And once he has started, he will not stop. He’ll get a drink for you before even approaching you, too. So you have to literally refuse alcohol that has been presented to you, which is just downright painful. But you have to be strong, because he is a persistent guy. If you don’t make it known right away that you are not interested, he’s going to grope the shit out of you all night. This weekend I was out with my friend, and we met the epitome of this character. This dude is like fifteen feet away, staring at us when all of the sudden he just points at us, pauses, points at he and his friends, and then smiles and gives us a thumbs up. Look, I’m not expecting you to send a pigeon with a poem written in blood, but seriously, a fucking point? He then came over and pestered us until Sara just repeatedly told him, “Just no”. I’ve found there are only two ways to shake this guy off: First, tell him you have a boyfriend. Maybe tell him he’s in the ROTC too, just to give him an image. If that doesn’t work, tell him you have herpes.

Sidenote: The rest of Sara and my night:

Image4. Tarzan. Probably the worst guy you’re going to meet is the guy who is just looking to start shit. He’ll hit on you and be a total gentleman to all your friends. He’s obviously loaded and is buying rounds and being a total baller. Then, right when you’re mentally high fiving yourself for scoring such a great slam, he’ll try to start a fight with the drunk kid at the table next to you. He’ll say something he thinks sounds real tough, like “The FUCK you say to me?”. And we’re all still sitting there like wow, Tarzan, your brute strength and aggression is so appealing! Oh wait, no it’s not, and you’ve officially ruined my night.

5. Life of the Party, But Definitely Puking Later. You have to be sure to meet that guy that is so drunk, he’s buying drinks for the whole bar. This guy has had too many tequila shots, and he’s doing weird shit like sliding down bannisters and requesting the Black Eyed Peas. He’ll buy like ten shots before even knowing who he’s going to give them to. He’s for sure going to talk to you at one point, but only for a minute or two. He’ll probably ask you a weird question to settle an argument he’s having with someone, just to bring you into the conversation. He’ll say something like, “The third Pirates of the Carribean is At World’s End, right?”. And whether or not you have any idea what he’s talking about, he’ll keep talking to you. You’ll see him periodically throughout the rest of the night, but that’s the extent of your time with him. There’s really nothing you can do for this guy, except pray he has a friend who is sober enough to remind him to close his tab at the end of the night. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. He totally came alone.

ImageI really can’t even complain about these guys though, because the list I could make on the kinds of drunk girls at bars would be ten times worse. It’s not even a double standard, we’re just honestly more annoying. Sorry to set feminism back like three hundred years, but someone had to say it.

I may bitch about these guys, but I love them all. And so does every girl, don’t lie. Sure, when guys pester us, on the outside we’re like “Ugh, can you not?”. Maybe flip our hair and roll our eyes. But do not be fooled. On the inside, we’re totally like,

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And, ImageAnd,

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