The most horrible thing just happened to me.

So I’m sitting on my bed during a period of boredom and procrastination, innocently youtubing videos of people falling. I finished watching “Scarlet takes a tumble” for the tenth time and looked to the right column, to see what the site recommended I watch next. Up towards the top was the new Avril Lavigne music video for her duet with her new husband, Chad Kroeger.

If you don’t know who Chad Kroeger is… count your blessings. He’s the main singer of Nickelback, the band that God sent to the music industry to punish us for piracy. The guy who used to look like Jesus but has since shopped of all his hair and bleached the tips. He doesn’t even sing, he just screams. In every one of his songs, he sounds like he’s been on the toilet for an hour and is really, really constipated. And don’t even get me started on the patch of pubes he for some reason REFUSES to shave on his chin. I don’t know whats worse, that or his frosted tips. Someone needs to tell this guy it’s not 1995 anymore.

Look at This Photograph.

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I like to imagine that he proposed 20 different ways and they all sounded the same. Much like his music. Also, I’d just like to point out: FUCK YOU, MAYANS. If you had been right about the world ending we could have avoided this crisis.

I could not be more upset these two are married. Avril is awesome, and should be worshiped by all. I know I’m biased, since she spent many former years as a redhead. But if you don’t have many fond memories of screaming Sk8er Boy in the passenger seat of your mom’s van while wearing a choker and some sort of platform sneaker, you seriously need to revaluate your life. She’s like the female equivalent of Clooney, in that she just keeps improving with age. I honestly couldn’t guess her age… is she 17 or 40? I’ll never know.

Chad Kroeger is gayer than AIDS. I’m sorry, someone had to say it. So why in the hell she decided to let this sad excuse for a man wife her up is just beyond me. Is it because he’s always wearing leather jackets?

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I’m pretty sure it’s because they’re both from Canada. Which is completely redundant because Canada actually sent us Avril Lavigne to apologize for giving us Nickelback. Which reminds me, I can’t wait to see the Goddess they’re going to give us to make up for Bieber.

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Seriously though, Nickelback sucks. Back in 2007, they were performing in Portugal and the crowd wouldn’t stop booing. So Chad Kroeger gets all upset and asks, “Do you guys want us to leave, or do you want us to ROCK?”. As if on cue, a member of he audience threw a rock at his face. I’m moving to Portugal.

Jokes aside on this union, I’m pleased for Canada. It’s finally going to get the royal wedding it deserves.

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If you have ears and/or and eyes, I recommend you don’t watch the Music video. It’s called “Let Me Go”, which is ironic because thats EXACTLY WHAT AVRIL NEEDS TO DO. The song actually doesn’t suck until 1:52, when Kroeger comes in. In the video, Avril is totally kicking ass, being all emo and moody and shit. She’s wearing tons of eyeliner and a super cool gown, playing this old piano in an abandoned mansion and belting it out when all of the sudden he comes out of nowhere and puts his hands on her shoulders. He then acts like a total creep and stands behind her for three minutes, gripping her and singing. I literally cringed when he touched her. I imagine his hands to be very clammy.

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The only thing worse than Chad’s acting was the product placement. Halfway through the video Avril starts sentimentally watching him play the guitar on a tablet and it’s so painful you just want to reach into your screen and flick him out of the shot.

Why am I so upset about this? I’ll tell you why. It’s not just that I’m about to watch one of my favorite childhood musician flush years of her life down the toilet by marrying a guy who has for sure murdered at least one hooker. It’s the fact that, if a girl like Av Lav ends up with a dweeb like Chad Kroeger, there is absolutely zero hope for me. I’ll be lucky if I can end up with one of those guys that sits on the curb outside of 711 smoking cigarillos.

Avril got it right on the first try, when she married one of the Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. Maybe Deryck will get really pissed about the whole thing and give Kroeger a Fat Lip. God help me if Avril and Chad reproduce… at that point I’ll probably just call it a quits and leave earth.

Chavril’s future lovechild:

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Oh, Chad. Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?

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