I’m going to be honest here, I have no idea what to write about. My life is not that exciting and I’m actually just really mean, not funny. But people keep going off my tweets and telling me to make a blog so here you go.
Today I watched The Bling Ring. No, let me rephrase that. Today I wasted eighty two minutes and thirty seven seconds of my life. If I plan on maintaining my alcohol intake, which I fully intend to do, my life will not be long and is dwindling as we speak. Which is why I am furious. I seriously haven’t been this mad since I found out my grandmother has a line of gentleman callers and I fell asleep cradling my camelback water bottle last night.
For starters, what the fuck was up with that acting? And I’m talking to you, Emma Watson. Look, we all know you are flawless. Sometimes when I see pictures of you I just want to kill myself because I will never be that gorgeous or fabulously British (although I used to fake an English accent when I worked in customer services at the Zoo). Seriously, your face makes me want to grow a dick and wife you up. So why in the hell would you agree to star in that movie? I can’t imagine a worse role for Emma to play, except maybe Anastasia in 50 shades. That role was more annoying than century link prism tv ads before youtube videos. A few times, I actually had to look away from my screen because I was embarrassed for her. And I was watching the movie ALONE. I’m not trying to be an asshole here, and I also don’t expect her to play Hermoine forever but COME ON. The only thing worse than her attempt at an American accent was her terrible brown hair dye.
Another thing, the movie had absolutely zero plot. Its about a group of shitty teenagers with an unrealistic tendency to do cocaine and get into flashy clubs that Paris Hilton hangs out in (casual). This is the story: They steal shit, and then they get caught. No seriously, that’s it. Like, if I wanted to see that I’d trudge over to the bookstore and try and stroll through the front door with a laptop. Then I’d get a first hand experience AND have a cool story to tell the kiddos someday.
I think the best part of the movie was when they put Emma Watson in a pink Juicy sweatsuit and Uggs, and I had a fleeting moment of nostalgia for middle school before returning to the poorly-directed crap on my screen. God, I miss mixers.
The one cool part about the movie is that its based on a true story. And as it turns out, the true story is way better than the Hollywood version. Mainly because the group of teens targeted majority of the burglaries at Paris Hilton because the group “figured she was dumb enough to keep her doors unlocked”. AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Seriously, why did these kids even get jail time? Put them in public office, they’re fucking geniuses. In real life the leader of the group first got arrested for stealing a ton of shit from Sephora (understandable, how do they expect us to pay $50 for eyeliner) and then, after clearly NOT learning her lesson, organized all the burglaries when she “wanted new clothes”. Thats a direct quote. Like okay, next time I want a sweater I’m going to just go break in to Blake Lively’s house and snipe some shit. Maybe sneak a quickie with Ryan Renolds while I’m at it. But these kids didn’t just rob some of the biggest celebs like Rachel Bilson, Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, Lindsay Lohan, Meghan Fox… they actually chilled a few times. As in, drank in the home bars and used the bathrooms of said celebrities. Apparently a bunch of the burglaries were done when they were drunk too. Remind me next time I’m hammered that I should NOT do a B&E, because now drunk Lucy is definitely going to think it’s an awesome idea.
So yeah the movie was crap but props to those badass kids. I’ll be sure to set up some hang time with them… when they get out of jail and they’re done with probation and all that shit. Hopefully they’ll still think I’m cool even though I’ve never stolen anything major and to be honest I wasn’t even sure how to spell cocaine. I think i’d still be a value addition to the Bling Ring. Everybody needs a token ginger in the group, right?