ImageSo last night as I was preparing for a date, I was listening to some of Drake’s new album, which I highly recommend (coming from a privileged white sorority ginger, I totally understand if you ignore that advice). A few friends were in the room and we were discussing alcohol, sororities, penises and ejaculation, the usual stuff. Mackenzie went to change the song and declared that she was going to play Wrecking Ball. I immediately pulled a 180 and yelled at her not to. Here’s why.

[[I think it’s worth noting that Mackenzie continued to put on the outdated and obnoxious Pink Friday album by Nicki Minaj. I love you Kenze, but seriously, fuck you.]]

Here’s the deal. Everyone has an opinion on Miley Cyrus, and everyone feels the need to voice it. So, being totally unoriginal, I’ll do the same. Miley is awesome. Sure, she might have schizophrenic tendencies and I’d be willing to bet she has AIDs, but overall she’s cool. Everybody hated on her We Can’t Stop music video and I get it, she sort of looks like a lesbian crack head but COME ON.

First off, whatever happened to gay rights? I find it ironic that the same people who push for gay marriage are like APPALLED when she licks a doll’s face and spanks a large black lady’s donk. Seriously guys, we’re all a little bit gay. I grab my friend Jenny’s boobs on a regular basis. Not because I like boobs, But because ITS FUNNY. Also because I don’t think before speak/act. I cannot be held accountable for my actions, sorry about it. If Miley wants to make out with girls, more power to her. If you meet a college girl who claims to have never kissed another girl, even amongst her slutty high school years, she’s either lying or she’s probably not very much fun. Run away.
ImageSecond, who cares if Miley does drugs? I mean, its bound to happen. She has way too much money, way too much time, and she’s probably not very intelligent. If I had millions of dollars and no worries, I’d probably dabble in various chemical debauchery.  In the words of Rick Ross, cocaine “puts the hipsters with felons and thugs”. Drugs don’t discriminate, and neither should you. Lil’ Wayne sings about being hyped up on shit all the time and no one bats an eye. Is it because she’s white? Or because she’s a girl?

No, it’s because she used to be Hannah Montana. But she’s not anymore, so get the fuck over it. All those shitty parents out there are like “How am I supposed to explain to little Susie why Miley is licking construction equipment and humping things?”. I don’t know, its your fucking kid, figure it the hell out. And if you don’t want to have those talks, don’t reproduce. People like you should avoid procreating. Wrap it up next time, we have a population crisis anyway.

ImageMiley is growing up and everyone needs to get over it. There was a time when I wore nothing but  brightly colored polos (with the collar popped of course), jeans skirts, and Berkenstocks. Then there was a stage I went through where I sported entirely too much eyeliner for a girl of my skin tone and hair color, and wore all black, and owned vans with skulls on them. Shit happens, people change. Did you honestly expect Miley to wear limited too forever? Did you expect me to continue obsessing over the High School Musical soundtrack for all of eternity? I, for one, am happy that I overcame my unhealthy obsession with Corbin Bleu. His hair was too big- too many secrets. At least Miley’s blonde hair allows for thoughts of a simpler time.

And now Wrecking Ball. The only reason everyone hates it is because they know that they wouldn’t look that good riding a large metal ball wearing nothing but brown leather boots. Also, the tear in the beginning is real, as one of her five hundred and thirty seven dogs had just died. You go Glen Coco. Yes, her VMA performance was disturbing. It was like roadkill; you don’t want to look, but for some reason you have to. But that’s what makes her so cool- the fact that she’s SO FUCKING WEIRD. I am thrilled that they didn’t throw Taylor Swift up there to prance around in high wasted shorts and sing about how some guy once gave her the wrong look or didn’t thank her after she held the door open. More on that later. Fuck Taylor Swift.

I don’t know, maybe I’m biased because of my constant sex dreams involving Draco Malfoy, and they share a haircut. Maybe I think she’s chill because I’m so uncool that I think shit is cool AFTER everybody else starts hating it (reverse hipster status). Or maybe none of this matters because WHO GIVES A RATS ASS. The subject has been exhausted to the point where I can’t even listen to her songs without wanting rip off my ears just so I have something to throw at those who feel the need to condemn her. Pop a xanax and get over it, no body cares. I’ll leave you with the most insightful and inspiration words to ever leave the young pop singer’s herpes-infected lips:

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Well said, Miley.

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