Archives for the month of: September, 2013

ImageSo last night as I was preparing for a date, I was listening to some of Drake’s new album, which I highly recommend (coming from a privileged white sorority ginger, I totally understand if you ignore that advice). A few friends were in the room and we were discussing alcohol, sororities, penises and ejaculation, the usual stuff. Mackenzie went to change the song and declared that she was going to play Wrecking Ball. I immediately pulled a 180 and yelled at her not to. Here’s why.

[[I think it’s worth noting that Mackenzie continued to put on the outdated and obnoxious Pink Friday album by Nicki Minaj. I love you Kenze, but seriously, fuck you.]]

Here’s the deal. Everyone has an opinion on Miley Cyrus, and everyone feels the need to voice it. So, being totally unoriginal, I’ll do the same. Miley is awesome. Sure, she might have schizophrenic tendencies and I’d be willing to bet she has AIDs, but overall she’s cool. Everybody hated on her We Can’t Stop music video and I get it, she sort of looks like a lesbian crack head but COME ON.

First off, whatever happened to gay rights? I find it ironic that the same people who push for gay marriage are like APPALLED when she licks a doll’s face and spanks a large black lady’s donk. Seriously guys, we’re all a little bit gay. I grab my friend Jenny’s boobs on a regular basis. Not because I like boobs, But because ITS FUNNY. Also because I don’t think before speak/act. I cannot be held accountable for my actions, sorry about it. If Miley wants to make out with girls, more power to her. If you meet a college girl who claims to have never kissed another girl, even amongst her slutty high school years, she’s either lying or she’s probably not very much fun. Run away.
ImageSecond, who cares if Miley does drugs? I mean, its bound to happen. She has way too much money, way too much time, and she’s probably not very intelligent. If I had millions of dollars and no worries, I’d probably dabble in various chemical debauchery.  In the words of Rick Ross, cocaine “puts the hipsters with felons and thugs”. Drugs don’t discriminate, and neither should you. Lil’ Wayne sings about being hyped up on shit all the time and no one bats an eye. Is it because she’s white? Or because she’s a girl?

No, it’s because she used to be Hannah Montana. But she’s not anymore, so get the fuck over it. All those shitty parents out there are like “How am I supposed to explain to little Susie why Miley is licking construction equipment and humping things?”. I don’t know, its your fucking kid, figure it the hell out. And if you don’t want to have those talks, don’t reproduce. People like you should avoid procreating. Wrap it up next time, we have a population crisis anyway.

ImageMiley is growing up and everyone needs to get over it. There was a time when I wore nothing but  brightly colored polos (with the collar popped of course), jeans skirts, and Berkenstocks. Then there was a stage I went through where I sported entirely too much eyeliner for a girl of my skin tone and hair color, and wore all black, and owned vans with skulls on them. Shit happens, people change. Did you honestly expect Miley to wear limited too forever? Did you expect me to continue obsessing over the High School Musical soundtrack for all of eternity? I, for one, am happy that I overcame my unhealthy obsession with Corbin Bleu. His hair was too big- too many secrets. At least Miley’s blonde hair allows for thoughts of a simpler time.

And now Wrecking Ball. The only reason everyone hates it is because they know that they wouldn’t look that good riding a large metal ball wearing nothing but brown leather boots. Also, the tear in the beginning is real, as one of her five hundred and thirty seven dogs had just died. You go Glen Coco. Yes, her VMA performance was disturbing. It was like roadkill; you don’t want to look, but for some reason you have to. But that’s what makes her so cool- the fact that she’s SO FUCKING WEIRD. I am thrilled that they didn’t throw Taylor Swift up there to prance around in high wasted shorts and sing about how some guy once gave her the wrong look or didn’t thank her after she held the door open. More on that later. Fuck Taylor Swift.

I don’t know, maybe I’m biased because of my constant sex dreams involving Draco Malfoy, and they share a haircut. Maybe I think she’s chill because I’m so uncool that I think shit is cool AFTER everybody else starts hating it (reverse hipster status). Or maybe none of this matters because WHO GIVES A RATS ASS. The subject has been exhausted to the point where I can’t even listen to her songs without wanting rip off my ears just so I have something to throw at those who feel the need to condemn her. Pop a xanax and get over it, no body cares. I’ll leave you with the most insightful and inspiration words to ever leave the young pop singer’s herpes-infected lips:

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Well said, Miley.

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Hello, people that have nothing better to do than read my shitty blog. I hope your day has been wonderful.

I’m going to be honest here, I have no idea what to write about. My life is not that exciting and I’m actually just really mean, not funny. But people keep going off my tweets and telling me to make a blog so here you go.

Today I watched The Bling Ring. No, let me rephrase that. Today I wasted eighty two minutes and thirty seven seconds of my life. If I plan on maintaining my alcohol intake, which I fully intend to do, my life will not be long and is dwindling as we speak. Which is why I am furious. I seriously haven’t been this mad since I found out my grandmother has a line of gentleman callers and I fell asleep cradling my camelback water bottle last night.

For starters, what the fuck was up with that acting? And I’m talking to you, Emma Watson. Look, we all know you are flawless. Sometimes when I see pictures of you I just want to kill myself because I will never be that gorgeous or fabulously British (although I used to fake an English accent when I worked in customer services at the Zoo). Seriously, your face makes me want to grow a dick and wife you up. So why in the hell would you agree to star in that movie? I can’t imagine a worse role for Emma to play, except maybe Anastasia in 50 shades. That role was more annoying than century link prism tv ads before youtube videos. A few times, I actually had to look away from my screen because I was embarrassed for her. And I was watching the movie ALONE. I’m not trying to be an asshole here, and I also don’t expect her to play Hermoine forever but COME ON. The only thing worse than her attempt at an American accent was her terrible brown hair dye.

Another thing, the movie had absolutely zero plot. Its about a group of shitty teenagers with an unrealistic tendency to do cocaine and get into flashy clubs that Paris Hilton hangs out in (casual). This is the story: They steal shit, and then they get caught. No seriously, that’s it. Like, if I wanted to see that I’d trudge over to the bookstore and try and stroll through the front door with a laptop. Then I’d get a first hand experience AND have a cool story to tell the kiddos someday.

I think the best part of the movie was when they put Emma Watson in a pink Juicy sweatsuit and Uggs, and I had a fleeting moment of nostalgia for middle school before returning to the poorly-directed crap on my screen. God, I miss mixers.

The one cool part about the movie is that its based on a true story. And as it turns out, the true story is way better than the Hollywood version. Mainly because the group of teens targeted majority of the burglaries at Paris Hilton because the group “figured she was dumb enough to keep her doors unlocked”. AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Seriously, why did these kids even get jail time? Put them in public office, they’re fucking geniuses. In real life the leader of the group first got arrested for stealing a ton of shit from Sephora (understandable, how do they expect us to pay $50 for eyeliner) and then, after clearly NOT learning her lesson, organized all the burglaries when she “wanted new clothes”. Thats a direct quote. Like okay, next time I want a sweater I’m going to just go break in to Blake Lively’s house and snipe some shit. Maybe sneak a quickie with Ryan Renolds while I’m at it. But these kids didn’t just rob some of the biggest celebs like Rachel Bilson, Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, Lindsay Lohan, Meghan Fox… they actually chilled a few times. As in, drank in the home bars and used the bathrooms of said celebrities. Apparently a bunch of the burglaries were done when they were drunk too. Remind me next time I’m hammered that I should NOT do a B&E, because now drunk Lucy is definitely going to think it’s an awesome idea.

So yeah the movie was crap but props to those badass kids. I’ll be sure to set up some hang time with them… when they get out of jail and they’re done with probation and all that shit. Hopefully they’ll still think I’m cool even though I’ve never stolen anything major and to be honest I wasn’t even sure how to spell cocaine. I think i’d still be a value addition to the Bling Ring. Everybody needs a token ginger in the group, right?